Matsumoto Fangirl Reloaded
by hu3long2
Summary: Oneshot with Omake. Sequel to Matsumoto Fangirl. Hitsugaya learns something new yet again. From Yachiru? Not again, Matsumoto!
1. Reloaded

Title: Matsumoto – Fangirl Reloaded

Characters: Yachiru, Matsumoto and Hitsugaya (HitsuXMatsu)

Rating: T for mature themes, innuendo, humour

Summary: Sequel to Matsumoto – Fangirl. Hitsugaya hasn't heard the worst. Just humour.

Disclaimer: Own no part of Bleach, not even bleach

A/N: Yuki-hime means Princess Snow, a Hitsu nickname coined by Heuk Ya in the IchiHitsu story "Empathy". Thanks for hours of reading pleasure and for letting me play with Yuki-hime. I took the easy way out, though, and used Yachiru.

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Hitsugaya paused at the entrance to his office. Through the doors, he could hear Matsumoto's rich alto and the high, piping tones of Kusajishi Yachiru.

"Ah, yes, we scheduled a playdate with Kusajishi for the afternoon." This was standard operating procedure. Whenever Ukitake's candy offerings threatened to overflow the storage bins in the Tenth Division office, a hell butterfly would be sent to the Eleventh Division requesting the dubious pleasure of Kusajishi's company. Though a double-edged sword, it was the best way to get rid of all those sweets without somehow disappointing Ukitake, since Kusajishi never revealed her sources of candy. In Hitsugaya's mind, this was filed under "Routine Janitorial Services".

He wondered about Matsumoto's plans to entertain Kusajishi for the afternoon. A bored Kusajishi was a destructive Kusajishi, but so far Matsumoto had always managed to keep her on this side of compliance. However, he wasn't going to barge in to find out. Encounters with Kusajishi usually left him affronted and frustrated, since he could never get any of his own back. Who could control her apart from Zaraki anyway? Even Kuchiki Byakuya had given up and simply stuffed his sleeves with confections in case of a Kusajishi sighting.

Leaning against the door, he masked his reiatsu as he prepared to wait out the end of the playdate. Matsumoto would know of his return, of course, but as long as Kusajishi did not, he could deal with a brief (rude) greeting when she left.

Matsumoto's warm accents drifted over him as his spine relaxed against the wood. "She appears to be telling a story," he thought idly. "Wonder which one?" He concentrated briefly and felt Hyourinmaru swimming through levels of consciousness. The ice dragon liked Matsumoto's stories.

"And so, from anger, from grief, from loss, from determination, Himeno transformed into Yuki-hime all by herself and took on the monster tree of Fenrir. And I say it was about time she did something on her own and not relied on her seven Leafe knights to merge with her and give her powers! Don't you agree, Yachiru-chan?"

"Like Ken-chan! He doesn't need shikai or bankai!"

"Yachiru! Urgh, what an image! The zanpukuto are part of our souls—would you want to merge with seven different zanpakuto! Ouch, Haineko, you'll give me split ends!"

Hitsugaya's lips quirked upwards slightly. Orihime had introduced them to Prétear during their first visit to Karakura. Though it was a magical girl manga and anime, he had to admit, if only to himself, that he had rather liked it. After all, the heroine did have an impressive ultimate technique where she froze things solid and splintered them. But why had Matsumoto called her Yuki-hime? He was certain the name was Shirayuki-hime, based on the original Snow White story.

Rustling sounds came from the office. Apparently they were wrapping things up—Kusajishi had ways of secreting candy that involved a large production but made enormous amounts of candy disappear. Hitsugaya decided it was time for him to enter.

He opened the door. Matsumoto was tossing handfuls of sweets about while Kushijishi leapt around gathering them, but they stopped when they saw him. Matsumoto's greeting went unheard as Kusajishi bounced forward, waving and squealing. "Hi, Yuki-hime-chan!"

All his previous good cheer vanished as he took in her greeting. "What did you just call me, Kusajishi fukutaichou?"

Unfazed, Kusajishi stood her ground and beamed up at him. "Yuki-hime-chan! Yuki-hime-chan! Captain Shorty is Yuki-hime-chan!"

Hitsugaya took a deep breath. Kusajishi was as oblivious as a brick wall—neither temper nor sarcasm could cow her. "It's Hitsugaya Taichou, Kusajishi. Yuki-hime is a girl's name."

Kushijishi dashed away, leaned over, then came back. "No, look! Yuki-hime-chan!" She held up a fistful of paper, slightly mangled, but still intact. It was one of those cut-out dress things, and he recognized the blue outfit of the Disney Snow White, topped by… his smirking face?

Even as Hitsugaya's outrage hit new heights with a blast of frigid air, Hyourinmaru chuckled, and he remembered exactly why Hyourinmaru liked Matsumoto's stories—he said it was like watching someone (usually Hitsugaya) walk on solid ice and realize too late that he had stepped on a weak spot. And this was of course Matsumoto's doing—Kusajishi might have a strange, fight-happy view of the world, but only Matsumoto could manage the twisted and the diabolical. Ever since her chest had ceased to unsettle him—quite the contrary—she had sought new ways to bring some chaos into the order of his world, or, as she put it, "Taichou, life isn't only about the big, serious matters, it's also about moments of unexpected and light-hearted insanity!" Insanity indeed. She had outdone herself today. Where had she found a painted headshot of him anyway?

"Matsumoto!" He would freeze her hair and eyebrows off this time, he swore. That would be more painful to her than just general hypothermia.

"Don't you like this, Yuki-hime-chan?" Kusajishi asked innocently. "But you look so much more like a Yuki-hime-chan than Choky-apple-chan and Pinky-chan! (A/N Snow White and Prétear.)

Matsumoto nodded vigorously in agreement, ignoring his glare. "Isn't it so, Yachiru-chan? After all, Snow White had hair as black as ebony, lips as red as blood, and only her skin was white as snow. Taichou, of course, is all snow and ice!"

"See if I don't ice you, Matsumoto," Taichou growled.

"And Pinky-chan is pink, like me, so she can't be a Yuki-hime-chan!" For the life of him, he would never understand Kusajishi's logic. How had he become a _hime_ to her mind? He reverted to his default explanation—when in doubt, blame Matsumoto.

"Now I know two himes!" announced Kusajishi, serenely unconscious of his irritation. "Boobsy-girl and Shorty Yuki-hime-chan!" Somehow, thought Hitsugaya, this was scarcely comforting, and though it was singularly ungracious, he almost wished that another _male_ hime would appear, just to improve the ratio—somehow, a two to one male to female ratio sounded just dandy at this point.

Finally, Kusajishi had remembered her manners, and was bowing to him and Matsumoto. "Thank you for having me over for a playdate. I have to leave now for another meeting." With a final cry of "Bye, Shorty Yuki-hime-chan! Bye, Boobies!" she disappeared in a flurry of shunpo, still clutching a Hitsu Yuki Hime cutout in her hand.

"Yuki-hime, Matsumoto?" Hisugaya turned menacingly to his errant fukutaichou. He was not reaching for Hyourinmaru yet, but that was only because of the dragon guffaws resounding in his head.

"But Taichou, it's a beautiful name! It combines the essence of snow and nobility! Just like my wonderful Taichou!" Matsumoto rested one hand on her hip and wagged the other at him. Hitsugaya closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. Revenge was a dish best served frozen.

"I do not think that you intended it as a compliment, Matsumoto." His tone was very, very dry. "Really, the way you come up with new schemes to…" he stopped, arrested by a sudden realization. "You saw it in one of those fan-fictions recently, didn't you? No way you could have thought it up yourself! You've known the Shirayuki-hime stories for ages, and you've never used that."

"Taichou, I'm hurt! You're saying that I have no imagination?" From soulful to mock hurt—Matsumoto was obviously having too much fun at his expense. She would find that frozen sake was extremely unpalatable.

"Your imagination doesn't incline in that direction, Matsumoto. You've never called me a nickname that someone hasn't already used." Hitsugaya ignored her outraged pout. "So tell me, where's it from? Not one of those BL stories, I hope?"

"Taichou! It came off the name of a pleasure boat! I just thought it was very appropriate!"

"As I suspected." Hitsugaya's eyes narrowed as he started to twitch. "It was one of those so-called BL stories, wasn't it?"

"I never said that, Taichou!" Matsumoto widened her eyes, attempting an expression of limpid innocence. It was a look he was well-acquainted with.

"I can tell when you're skirting the issue, Matsumoto. Goodness knows I've had enough practice dealing with your excuses. Besides, why else would I be called a hime if I weren't somehow taking the woman's position?" Somehow, he knew as soon as it left his lips that this were merely a rhetorical question.

"Tell me, which story? Do many people read it?" He suddenly had a cringe-worthy image of the nickname proliferating all over the Internet. According to Matsumoto, entire populations had embraced the technology.

"Zaraki Taichou calls Kuchiki Taichou Kuchiki-hime in some stories," Matsumoto said pacifically. "So, you see, this isn't the only hime nickname around." (A/N I cannot recall if this is only fanfic or canon as well.) And with that, she sidestepped the question neatly again. Read her silence, Hitsugaya.

"Yes, and didn't you tell me that stories about him are major favourites of the BL genre?" Hitsugaya crossed his arms and glowered challengingly at his second-in- command.

"I think it just means that Zaraki Taichou thinks he is prissy, Taichou!"

"Are you saying that I'm prissy, Matsumoto?" Insult was piling on insult. Now he was both fussy and womanly? This conversation was turning out to be strangely fascinating, infuriating and enlightening all at once.

"Of course not, Taichou. Taichou might be a little too fond of paperwork, unwilling to participate in sake parties, and reluctant to laugh at jokes, but Taichou is definitely not prissy! This is just a description from a story! It's not as if Zaraki Taichou has actually told Kuchiki Taichou that he is prissy to his face."

"Somehow, your assurances fail to comfort me."

"Taichou will also recall that Kuchiki Taichou has been excessively celibate for half a century, which is sufficient to qualify anyone as prissy. Taichou, on the other hand, need have no worries on that score, as I can well attest."

"So, inform me, Matsumoto, based on your testimony, if I am not prissy, then what part of me looks like a hime?" He just had to keep worrying this issue like a loose tooth. But it was not everyday that a man discovered that he had been dubbed a _princess_ among men.

Her eyes swept over him. A wicked smirk appeared on her full lips, due notice that the next remark was going to be extremely provocative.

"I couldn't say, Toushiro. But there's one part of you that definitely doesn't." Her crystalline eyes turned a pure, lucent sky blue.

Hitsugaya could feel the flush singe across his cheekbones. Matsumoto could drive him insane in all sorts of ways. But he had learnt that there were some kinds of insanity he would gladly embrace. Abruptly, his ire faded. Before he could take a step forward, however, Matsumoto suddenly looked out the window and exclaimed, "Oh, no! It's way past the start time. I'll be late for the meeting. Yachiru's already gone on ahead."

All tender and private musings vanished at the mention of Kusajishi's name. Instead, a vague dread began to rise in Hitsugaya. "What meeting? There's no fukutaichou meeting scheduled for today."

"It's the Shinigami Women's Association meeting this afternoon. Yachiru's the president, remember? Bye, Taichou, I'll see you later at dinner!"

Hitsugaya hardly saw her leave. Superimposed on his vision was the memory of Kusajishi Yachiru's tiny hand clutching her Hitsu Yuki-hime cut-out as she raced towards the SWA meeting.

In the background, Hyourinmaru had not stopped laughing. Traitor.

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The end.

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Thank you for your attention. Concrit appreciated.


	2. Omake

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Title: Matsumoto – Fangirl Reloaded Omake

Characters: Hitsugaya, Matsumoto

Rating: T for mature themes, humour

Summary: Omake. Sort of. From small beginnings… come cross-dressing dolls.

Disclaimer: Own no part of Bleach, not even bleach

A/N: My plot bunnies have turned into vampire rabbits. I need to get back to the "Bleach talks about fan-fiction" stuff, but this rabbit wouldn't let me. I'm such a nerd. Bangs head against wall.

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A disgruntled Hitsugaya Toushiro burst into the Tenth Division office after a captain's meeting, grumbling under his breath. The handful of his subordinates gathered around his fukutaichou's desk quickly scattered and disappeared, while Matsumoto swept the contents of her desk into a drawer, her sleeve hiding them from his sight.

Matsumoto let her taichou brood while she made a fresh pot of tea. Captain's meetings always tried his patience, and any conversation with him was impossible until he had relaxed enough to have some hot tea. Wordlessly, she handed his teacup to him, and waited at the side of his desk. Finally, he took a sip, sighed, and turned to her.

"Anything to report, Matsumoto?"

"No, Taichou! All quiet and peaceful here!" was the prompt reply.

He leaned forward on his desk. "So why were my higher seats in here just now? From their reactions, it would not have been anything work-related, would it?" Matsumoto cast a quick, assessing glance at her superior officer. He no longer wore the expression that felt the burden of his youth as the youngest and most junior captain of the Gotei 13. It had subsided to his customary "there is paperwork and what are my subordinates doing" frown. In this mood, he could be provoked, ah, entertained.

She put on her best cheerful face. "It's so exciting, Taichou! The new catalog for the dolls has arrived! We were just picking out our selections!"

Hitsugaya barely resisted the urge to pull his hair out in handfuls. Those dolls again! Ever since Kusajishi had swanned into the Shinigami Women's Association meeting with a paper cutout of Hitsugaya dressed as Snow White, Seireitei had plunged into a new fad.

That paper cutout had been inspiring, to say the least. Some bright spark— and Matsumoto had sworn under the most painful oaths that it had not been her and that the decision had already been made by the time she arrived, though she refused to name the perpetuator of the suggestion—had proposed that they should produce a line of cross-dressing dolls for sale after the oohs and aahs at how adorable the original cutout was had died down. Thus "The Cross-dressing Men of Seireitei" project was born, baptized by the white-hot enthusiasm of the ranking members of the SWA. Complete with accessories.

Under the direction of Ise Nanao, who oversaw all large projects as a matter of course, so Hitsugaya did not even have her to blame, the original idea had expanded into a charity, fund-raising and welfare behemoth. Laudable aims which Hitsugaya applauded, except that he had to live with… those dolls.

The SWA had decided that paper cutouts were too childish and impractical to appeal to the mature aesthetic sensibilities of their target customers, so papier måché and cloth dolls had been introduced. These dolls were beautifully made, with faces and builds so uncannily like their originals that they still startled Hitsugaya, even accustomed as he was to seeing the dolls. After all, Matsumoto had a row of them on the shelf behind her desk. He had a sneaking suspicion that kidou had been used in the final stage of their manufacture, and that it worked rather like Aizen's illusions did.

Their likeness aside, what truly made these dolls a hit was the extensive wardrobe that could be acquired for each model. Each doll came in the traditional Shinigami uniform, since it was unisex, but all subsequent pieces consisted only of women's clothing. The range was amazing, actually. There were traditional Japanese kimonos through various historical periods, casual yukatas, and even wedding kimonos—Hitsugaya would never forget the day Abarai had walked in on Matsumoto dressing two Renji dolls, one in the white wedding kimono, the other in a billowing pink Scarlett O'Hara style ball gown, complete with delicate ruby tiara in place of the usual bandanna. Needless to say, Zabimaru had howled that day, though Haineko had growled quite effectively herself. Hyourinmaru had merely choked with laughter. Yet again. He did not put it pass Hyourinmaru to whisper suggestions into Matsumoto's ear, via Haineko.

Japanese garb aside, Western clothing from a variety of sources was also a mainstay of the collection. Apart from period and daily clothing, one popular source was film and television. The original Snow White dress, complete with red hair ribbon, was apparently the most popular item for collectors, though the outfit was now known as the Yuki-hime. The next most sought after item was the Disney Sleeping Beauty gown for the Kuchiki Byakuya doll. More outlandish garb was also available, from what Hitsugaya had privately dubbed in his mind as the cosplay series. This had created another unforgettable moment with an Ikkaku doll dressed as Sailor Moon, complete with wig and magic sceptre. As advertised, all these outfits were of heirloom quality, and custom orders were entertained, even encouraged. The entire collection was available not only in Seireitei and Rukongai, but also in the living world, with Urahara Kisuke as the designated agent. He had developed a process to transform the collection from spirit particles into living world substances, and the collection had also come somewhat into vogue there.

A veritable cottage industry in Rukongai had also grown up around the "Cross-dressing Dolls". Ise Nanao and her team had made the decision to farm out manufacture and sewing to the women in the higher districts of Rukongai, in an effort to provide an economic stimulus to these frequently neglected areas. A related aim was to improve childcare in these districts, since so many children were reborn alone in Rukongai. Child gangs abounded, and though many of these were mutual help groupings, there were some very unsavoury gangs that preyed on the others. If families could afford to take in more children, or if safe and rest houses could be established, this would do much to ameliorate the problem of violence against children, and provide water, shelter and protection.

A meeting with Rukongai's most formidable matrons had made far more progress than anyone had anticipated, and an equitable profit sharing schedule had been inked and signed, with part of the profits going into SWA coffers for providing the creative impetus for this project, and the majority of the profits feeding directly back into Rukongai, distributed directly to families as well as disbursed for community projects. An unexpected side benefit of the collaboration, which was just starting to emerge, was that, with better childcare, children with reiatsu were being identified more quickly and in greater numbers, and could now be monitored discreetly by the shinigami.

This, as Matsumoto frequently and gleefully pointed out, was what happened when women decided that Something Had To Be Done, and it had all begun with Yuki-hime. Hitsugaya had merely shrugged, he would support any project that improved conditions in Rukongai and diminished its security threat— despite those dolls. He had not forgotten the march on Seireitei by disaffected elements during the Bounto invasion, and both how angry and ineffectual he had felt. Even Kuchiki Byakuya, perhaps mindful of the origins of his beloved wife and sister, had made very little objection to the dolls. Indeed, it was whispered that he had increased Kuchiki Rukia's allowance. Rukia was known to be one of the most enthusiastic collectors of the dolls and their wardrobes, especially those of her closest male associates.

All in all, the SWA was satisfied with a job well done. The "Cross-dressing dolls" were even more lucrative than the Chappy gikongan, and the social benefits far outweighed the profits obtained. In Chappy's case, precision manufacture had been needed, and that could only be accomplished within Seireitei. With the dolls, imagination, a deft hand with a needle and a micro-loan to obtain supplies were the only requirements, which were easily met by many of the women of Rukongai. It was reported that entire sewing and design circles had been formed, and several had branched out beyond the dolls into other kinds of entrepreneurial ventures.

"Taichou?" Hitsugaya was brought back from his ruminations. Matsumoto stood in front of his desk with two dolls in her hand. He suppressed a quick wince, then peered closer. He did not recognize either of the two, though both seemed vaguely familiar. The one on the left had shoulder length black hair tied in a high ponytail, sulky grey eyes and a sensitive mouth, while the one on the right had spiky white hair, intent teal eyes and a decisive chin… wait, what?

"Matsumoto, these are…?"

"The latest prototypes, Taichou! This is part of a new collection called "The Ages of Men", and since the best-selling dolls are the Hitsugaya and the Kuchiki dolls, we decided to start with the both of you. Fortunately, we have an excellent source in Yoruichi-san, who has plenty of pictures of Kuchiki Taichou as a teenager…"

"And she's also the only one who can outrun Senbonzakura," interrupted Hitsugaya dryly. "What about me—this hardly looks like me."

"Of course not, Taichou! Based on descriptions from various fan-fictions, fan artwork, and computer age progression software, we created your expected appearance if you were a twenty-five year old human. This represents our best guess!"

"Matsu…" Hitsugaya's voice was strangled by his outrage.

"It's all right, Taichou. Take it from me, soon you'll be looking back and wishing you were young again! Ah, I still remember the days when my twins hadn't yet appeared!"

Finally, he found his voice. "Who came up with this cockamamie idea?"

"Ah, Taichou, I can't tell you that, you know! All the proceedings of SWA meetings are never revealed to non-members! Though I can tell you that the alternative proposal was to produce anatomically correct dolls. (A/N coughNemucough) But that was rejected very quickly because of technical difficulties!"

Hitsugaya supposed that he ought be glad for such small mercies. Then he shook his head—did he just decide that he would prefer to have an older, emasculated image of himself making the rounds of Soul Society? He could not think about this any longer, or his brain would burst.

Matsumoto was still talking about the dolls. "If this proves to be popular, we will add Ichigo and Ukitake Taichou next, and I suppose Abarai-kun too, since so many of those who purchase Kuchiki dolls seem to want Renji dolls as well!"

"Taichou? Taichou?"

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My brain hurts too. Thanks for your attention. Concrit appreciated.


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